6:20 p.m. - 2012-03-08
It's most obvious to me because I, the insomniac, have started going to bed early and actually taking naps with my kids. For the longest time after M left I barely slept at all; I simply did not want to go to bed. It wasn't until I started asking my friends to forgive me for dropping off the face of the earth, and got forgiven, that I suddenly started wanting to go to bed at night. I realized that I had been dreading that time before I fell asleep, when there was nothing to distract me from thinking -- about losing Matt's love, about what a horrible friend I was ... nothing I wanted to think about, only stuff I wanted to block out.
After I let people back in, started reading and watching tv only in French again, all that -- I started wanting to go to bed, and to think and daydream for a while before I fell asleep...
I can't believe it's been only four days since I met her for the first time on Sunday. I put Cashy down for a nap and then lie down on my bed and close my eyes, remember and try to remember and analyze and reanalyze everything she said, what I said, what I might say to her next time. I try to picture her in my bed, just lying next to me. My thoughts don't go any further than that because of some sort of long-established, probably well-used blocking mechanism, the same one that allowed me to sleep spooning with my ex-best-friend for years and believe my feelings were completely platonic.
I would like it very much if she was there and I know at the very least my hand would end up finding hers.
I've tried to figure out what I find attractive about her -- not that I know her at all -- and I was afraid, once I defined it, that it doesn't reflect particularly well on me. After I thought about it, though, maybe it makes perfectly good sense... I think she's pretty, and I think she's smart, and I think she is much saner and more grounded than I am -- that is part of what attracts me. But another part is I think she admires some of the things I do (that are part of who I am) like my almost-French-only house and my goal of working for MSF. It's not that I want to be worshipped (I hope), but these are things that some people in my life (my family and Matt) either put down, trivialize, or just don't get. It is nice when someone actually thinks it's cool, or maybe even that I'm cool. It isn't too narcissistic to be attracted to someone partly because they make you feel good about yourself, is it?
I like that she's a vegetarian who actually shops at organic stores and cooks real vegetarian food and goes to the gym regularly ... I am a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat, but doesn't really replace it properly, I feed my kids meat and don't bother with special cooking for me; my diet sucks and I smoke and I haven't been inside a gym for more than 10 years. I admire that she has a house, although she wishes she didn't. I do NOT want a house -- I like being mobile and moving a lot -- but I admire those responsible adults who do. I admire that she e-mailed me and had coffee with me even thoguh both made her so nervous she said she would have thrown up if she had been able to eat anything.
I need to stop thinking about her because if I write any more -- put my thoughts in black and white and make them real -- then she will just morph back into the perfect, perfectly heterosexual, ice cold psychopathic husband-stealing bitch that I thought she was, and marry my husband, and live happily ever after, and I'll go back to being what I thought I was before I met her -- straight, lonely, and the undesirable, unwanted one who lost her husband to another woman.
She works really long hours and it has only been four days. I'm not going to e-mail her again because I have no reason to.