7:54 p.m. - 2012-03-11
Yay!! Now I am left to ponder why she didn't email me first ... anxiety? Second thoughts? Thing with life is, if you don't try, you don't succeed. But also, if you don't try, you don't fail. So now I get to worry about failure, another rejection ... but she accepted; doesn't that mean something?
I have a feeling that regardless of whether we end up being friends or more, I am over Matt. I have discovered that straight-looking lesbians DO exist. I have discovered that I can think about possibly having a romantic relationship with someone and not dread the moment the relationship actually becomes romantic, ie sexual. I have ALWAYS dreaded that moment when dating men (and all the "romantic" moments that follow!).
But there's a lot to lose, too, if I decide to date women. One of my biggest fears is the rejection of everyone else in my life -- everyone who matters to me, to the best of my knowledge, is straight. I tested the waters by telling a few people that I am attracted to her and would date her if she was interested; my friend Brian "loves" the idea; my friend Peter told me it would be trite and cliche -- very negative -- and my friend Susan hasn't responded to the email at all. She is my biggest worry because she is my closest female friend. Does it have a chilling effect on your relationship if a close friend of the same sex tells you she has homosexual feelings? S is very physically affectionate; will she be unconfortable with that now? Logic would tell you that I've known her for close to 13 years and if I was going to hit on her, I would have done so by now. But it's also true that in close to 13 years, I've never said anything about being attracted to women. I don't think I've ever said anything to anyone except Matt.
I feel bad enough about myself without being condemned and rejected by a large part of society as well. You have to have balls to be gay, regardless of the growing acceptance; a lot more people may accept your lifestyle than 30 or 40 years ago, but a great lot of people don't. I am not sure I have enough balls not to be affected by that.
Right now, though, what I'm most scared of is rejection by J.
I don't plan to make any first moves with her, but I AM already scheming about Sunday. One of the things she said, that struck me, is that M never makes her feel special, or like she matters to him very much at all. So I am going to re-read Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People) and I am going to do my best to get her to talk about herself a lot. And be interested...
When we met a week ago, she said several times that she has no friends ... I guess this is why I had the guts to pursue getting together again. She seems so lonely ... it's so crazy to hope, but if only, if only she could be attracted to me... life could be so perfect...
I felt like we clicked. Am I socially inept and just imagining it? It seemed like we had so much in common (besides my husband) and so much to talk about ... our daughters are three weeks apart and best friends; we're both vegetarians and love to cook; we both have major anxiety and confidence problems; we even love the same TV shows ... we laugh at the same things. I found her so easy to talk to -- especially considering the fact that she's my husband's girlfriend and until last Sunday I hated her guts with an abiding passion.
Seven days to wait. This could be one of the longest weeks of my life...