8:51 a.m. - 2013-03-12
engagement?
Late last summer/last fall, I was obsessively Google-ing things like "how long does it take to fall in love?" and not getting any satisfactory answers. I was dating A. and trying to figure out if I should be staying or running, and wondering if I was going to wind up trapped, or breaking her heart, or both. I started dating, and met A., because I decided it was time to get over my POS SOB husband. I wasn't over him; I was ... working on it.
A fell for me much faster than I fell for her. I liked her, I cared about her, and I wanted to be happy -- but I wasn't sure what I wanted for me. It wasn't love at first sight and for the first few months if she hadn't called again, I would have been disappointed but not devastated. As the cliche goes, there are other fish in the sea.
I didn't sit around waiting for her to call and I didn't get frozen and tongue-tied around her. She was like a friend who fit easily -- someone you've known a while.
So does no fireworks at the beginning mean no fireworks forever?
The answer to this question is no, and the answer to the question I was Google-ing is, "For me, about eight months." (Come to think of it, I think that's what it took with Matt, too.)
And now -- I just realized one day that she had me hook, line and sinker (to further torture the fish analogy). There was a moment that I suddenly knew -- realized, I guess, that it was absolutely intolerable to me if she wasn't wasn't OK. I am not going to write exactly what the moment was with A., but I can tell you that Matt's moment was when he threw up on my foot in the wee hours of New Year's Day. Normally I would have been appalled, but I wasn't -- I was in love.
I have known for a while that she'd like us to be married someday, but after my Matt experience (not to mention that I am STILL married to the stupid SOB though hopefully not for long), I had no intention of talking marriage unless I was damn sure.
I guess I am damn sure, because two nights ago when she said (again) that she would really like to marry me someday, I said, "That could probably be arranged." We're dykes, not Romeo and Juliette, so I think that counts as an engagement. To seal the deal, I asked her a couple minutes later, "Will you marry me and have a happy family with me?" and she said yes.
So that's settled. And frankly, it makes me pretty happy. :) I do not have second thoughts and I do not feel trapped. I'm just happy and I feel very lucky. I love her more than any grown-up I've ever known, Matt included, and of course I want to keep her. I know that we can be happy together and make it work. Sure, shit happens, but we love each other and we are both old enough and wise enough to know that it takes more than just love. Both of us are fairly adult and unselfish, and both of us come from fucked up families and don't want to live like that. I think that what other people might start to second-guess (who else is out there? What if ...?) is something that we both will hang on to hard, with both hands. We both know what else is out there. What we have is pretty damn priceless.
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