10:10 a.m. - 2012-12-27
why
Last Friday when M and I were handing off the kids I stupidly told him how Mar had put too much water on a red stamp pad and Cashy got into it, and I almost had a heart attack because he looked like he was covered with blood.
That was a very stupid thing to say because M's been coordinating news coverage of the Newtown school shooting since it happened. He started sobbing while he was driving and I took his hand and said over and over again, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry."
"We covered 26 funerals this week," he said.
I walked him to his door, out of eyeshot of the kids, and hugged him and told him I probably wasn't his first choice of people to talk to, but if he needed someone, I was there. He told me that the person I really should be checking on is my friend Brian, who's been running the field office set up near the school since the tragedy happened.
Total brush-off.
And I don't think I expected anything different, but for a second he seemed human again, and I missed him and us so much it hurt. What am I doing, thinking I can start another relationship with someone else? Who am I fucking kidding? Just because Matt is done with me does not mean I am capable of being with anyone else. I have loved that man for more than 10 years, which is most of my adult life. I feel like I barely know A. She doesn't understand news; does she understand anything that drives me like Matt does? She is the sweetest person in the world, and she loves me, and she wants me. Matt doesn't. What I should do is obvious; I tell myself that I am not going to screw things up with A, not only because I don't want to hurt her, but because she is a catch and I am not fucking stupid.
I keep telling myself that most of what's missing is time. Matt and I had two kids, eight moves, four states and almost 10 years together. We not only lived together; we WORKED together for a good chunk of that time. I've known A for six months, and although I adore her, she is not indispensible to me. I don't think anyone will ever be indispensible to me again.
If I could have my choice, I'd be with Matt. I want my family back. It makes me so sad I can't breathe when he takes our kids and drives away without me. I feel like my happy family has been shattered, over and over again.
A understands this, and how much I want someone to share my kids with, and not just an adult partner. She is really trying to get to know my kids and likes having them around and doing stuff with them. They have their own bedrooms at her house. I think I probably have a better chance of having a happy family with A than with anyone else I know, because she wants it as much as I do and is willing to do whatever it takes to get it, reading Dr. Phil included.
Matt will never put family before his career and his ego. So I don't know why I have such a hard time letting him go. He's a turd, but he was a turd when I was with him, too, and I loved him then.
It is supposed to snow today.
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