10:16 a.m. - 2012-09-23
sleepover
Kids slept over at A's with me last night, for the first time.
Having them there made me happier than I can remember being since Cashy was a newborn. For a few weeks after Cashy was born, I felt rich -- the richest woman in the world -- because I had everything I could have dreamed of, two perfect kids, a boy and a girl, and a successful husband I loved and who loved me and who could afford to let me stay home with them ... then I found the naked pictures of another woman in his e-mail and I knew he was having an affair. Still. oO again; it didn't really matter.
Ever since then, when I look at my kids I feel that evisceration again. It's not that I don't want my kids and don't love them, but children were something Matt and I were supposed to do together -- our masterpiece, our mutual passion, our mutual joy. We were supposed to do this TOGETHER, I thought when I was alone with a newborn and a toddler and my husband and best friend was fucking some stranger ...
I wanted a happy family so badly. I didn't grow up in a happy family and I had been daydreaming about the kind of family I wanted since I was five or six.
I got my "happy family," but it only lasted about three weeks.
The worst part about his walking out on us is that I don't have anyone to tell my cute/funny/sweet/driving me crazy kid stories to; I don't have anyone to share with; I feel like the proverbial tree falling in the forest.
I loved sharing them with A. Last night Cashy came over to us and told me, "Mama, I got poop." Then he further specified, "BIG poop!" A. laughed so hard she choked on her nachos. That is the kind of thing that is so, so much better when you have an adult to share the moment with, you know? That's what I missed ...
A has two unused bedrooms, so while I am NOT moving in with her (yet), we have given them each their own room. She had one bed, and we brought the twin bed that was in my attic (my childhood bed) to her house yesterday and set it up in the other room. The kids love their rooms, and they are much less annoying when they have their own spaces to go play.
OK, so... maybe I'm moving in a little.
Last week I told M for the first time that I'm in love with someone else and we're serious enough that I might move in with her when the school year ended. He had the gall to send me an iphone message he's happy for me, I deserve it, and that I'm a great mom. I did not want or need his goodwill/happiness and told him so via e-mail, plus a few other things.
He hasn't responded at all and probably isn't going to, but his girlfriend -- the one whose naked pictures I found -- has been messaging/e-mailing A. and wants to be facebook friends with her again. J, the girlfriend, is bisexual and she and A met a few years ago on the datin site where I also met A. The had coffee once and chatted, but it really didn't go anywhere, first and foremost because J had a boyfriend. (Her boyfriend, of course, was my husband.) Later, J and I met and were briefly friends; I have since decided she's psycho and probably not as innocent of seducing my husband as she claims to be.
So J, I guess, kind of had a chance at both me and A., and she chose Douchebag instead, and now A and I have each other and she has the prize that nobody in their right mind would want -- my narcissistic, self-obsessed, workaholic, pathologically lying husband. She told A three years ago she was miserable with him and told me the same last spring, so I expect she's probably still miserable. Plus, he probably looses a lot of his allure for her when he isn't someone else's husband anymore. After all, how can she feel powerful and irresistable when she's seducing a man no one else wants? What fun is that?
So A and I think she's trying to get some of that power back by inserting herself in our relationship -- e-mailing A that she's really close to my kids (obviously meant for me to read and be upset about), etc., etc., etc.
A's response is the best response in the world as far as I am concerned -- no response. After all, nothing says "you're unimportant to me" like ignored e-mails and friend requests. I'm actually gloating that J has e-mailed me twice and contacted A three times and gotten no response; that probably bugs the crap out of her.
Good! Because I am just fine with her feeling powerless and unimportant.
I don't think I need to do anything to get revenge on her and Douchebag; leaving them alone together should be sufficient. They deserve each other.
Meanwhile, I'm also chasing what's supposedly the world's best revenger: Happiness. I can make a happy family with A. and I am going to. She won the battle for my husband and my husband threw me away like a piece of trash, but I think the person who is going to come out the winner in all of this is me.
They are both narcissistic, psycho, nasty jerks.
And I have A. Who is the exact opposite.
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