2:22 a.m. - 2012-09-20
fucker
Tonight I picked the kids up late from M's after my class -- they were asleep -- and I took the opportunity to tell him about A and that we are serious enough that we're thinking about moving in together at the end of the school year.
He didn't say much -- just asked me if she is the A. the kids are always talking about (no, that's somebody else, dickhead! Oops, wait, I'm not you -- I only date one person at a time...)
Later he e-mails me this:
"I am really happy for you. You deserve it. And thank you for being a good mom."
FUCKER!!
This enrages me on every level. First, there is the fact that he is so utterly charming and pathologically insincere. Those words might sound sweet to some people. Not me. I used to be his wife. In fact, I still am.
I e-mailed him back something much longer and scathing. Maybe infantile, too, but ... the concluding sentence was something to the effect of, "I have no goodwill toward you and I have no use for yours."
And then it hits me:
I SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY GOODWILL TOWARDS HIM.
Sure, he is civil toward me. Sure, he did not bail financially, just physically/emotionally/in every other way -- he kept paying the bills and I could still stay home when he left me with a two-year-old and a newborn and no friends, family, relations or job prospects in this state, so I should be grateful, right? I should think he's a really decent guy, right?
WRONG! MF-ING WRONG!
And yet ... he bears no ill will toward me, right? He's a nice guy even though we're separated, right?
Well ... what the hell would he have to hold a grudge against ME for?
Did I cheat repeatedly on him? While he was pregnant? While he was home with a days-old baby? Did he find out via a friend who saw on facebook that he had gotten an apartment? Did I lie to him and then take my boyfriends to family functions in his place? Did I make sure my kids came home to him talking about Mommy's boyfriend (while I lied to him and said I wasn't seeing anyone?) Did he find condoms in the trunk, hotel receipts lying around, dirty pictures of another man in e-mail? Did I look at x-rated pictures of my boyfriend while he cooked me dinner every night, and ironed my shirts, and tried desperately to "make it work"?
I can go on and on, but I didn't do any of those things. Maybe that's why he doesn't have the same feelings of animosity for me as I do for him.
He really is a shithead. I don't know why I ever felt anything for him, or why I cut myself off from everyone I cared about for two years and wanted to stop living after he left me.
I know that once he was my best friend and the person I thought I could count on forever, but I think that has been utterly cancelled out by the shithead he was to me after he was my best friend.
I did make mistakes and I was a shitty wife sometimes, but cheating was not one of my mistakes. Not even once -- forget over and over and heartbreakingly over again, without guilt, flagrantly, uncaringly, cruelly and selfishly. I know I hurt him sometimes, but I never did it intentionally. I never would have and I still won't do that to anybody.
It's not so much the fact that he cheated but how he did it that makes me absolutely hate him and have no use for him at all. He didn't even have the decency to sneak around. It was in my face, and in the faces of everyone who knew us. He wasn't ashamed at all, or guilty. He thought he had every right, and acted accordingly.
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