5:45 p.m. - 2012-07-19
drama
I got me some wimmen problems.
It is enough to make me want to switch back to men.
I've been dealing with them all day by burying my head in the sand. Ie ignoring them. A. had been telling me some horror stories about drama in lesbian relationships/friendships and I listened and made it very clear that I am not interested in/do not do "drama." OK, when I was younger I did; now I'm old and I don't. OK. But is that enough to ward it off?
Another woman I met on the dating site, the supermom, H., and I still talk and e-mail a lot; I had gotten the impression she wasn't interested in more than friendship but after I told her I was "seeing" someone she told me that she had been hoping for more (but was OK with friendship, I might add -- neither she nor A is a direct source of drama; they are both nice reasonable people.)
The real source of internal drama is me; I really like both of them -- there I have said it -- and for entirely different reasons; they are very different and I like them both. And that makes me wonder if i should have kept my profile on the dating site longer -- who else I would have met. I really dislike myself for this. At the moment I really want to avoid both of them and it is causing me a good deal of internal drama.
On top of this, J., my husband's girlfriend, e-mailed me yesterday, "hi, how are you? Good, I hope?" She's the chick who a) contributed to the breakup of my marriage, b) is a part-time lesbian who I guess I developed a brief but intense crush on, and c) the person who gave me the name of the Web site where I met A and H.
(A says that if we ever get married, we should make J our guest of honor. I appreciate the humor but the marriage reference, even in a joke, makes me uncomfortable.)
Anyhow, I haven't talked to J since she blew off a movie date with me to run off to New Hampshire with MY husband and MY kids to stay at MY friend's house for the weekend. I'm not "mad at" her, but I figure that she, as a friend, is something I can do without.
I didn't respond to the e-mail inquiring about my state of well-being.
Today I get one that says:
"I'm sorry to bug you but something isn't sitting right with me and i have a question about the first thing you and I met about that i'd rather not put into email - if you could spare a minute of your time, maybe I could call you? or you me?"
"The first thing you and I met about" is a reference to my husband's interest in child porn, something I thought J should know -- even though I hated her guts at the time -- because she has a 5-year-old daughter.
I thought, this is an obvious attempt to draw me back into a relationship with her by using something she KNOWS I will respond to -- my concern about M. molesting her kid or mine.
Very manipulative.
I wrote back, "You can call me -- between 8 and 10 tonight is best." And my phone number, in case she'd lost it. (I doubt that, though I may have lost hers.)
She wrote back, "I can't tonight, he's with me. Can't talk about it within earshot... Just weirded out lately."
She is a DEFINITE source of drama.
If I let it in. Which I have decided I am not going to.
I wrote back: "OK."
She can get back in touch with me if she wants. I have a feeling -- it has been growing since I have talked to other people who know her -- that this chick THRIVES on misery and drama. I was probably a sucker to briefly be friends with her.
I really want no part of it. I'm over both her and Matt.
But there is a part of me that feels sick, thinking, what have I unleashed? By telling the misery/drama queen that M. has a child porn predeliction and I worry about him being a pedophile? what if she goes to the cops and makes something up? What if ...
And then I tell myself:
1. He views child porn. I did not make this up.
2. He very well could be molesting her kid or mine. If there is any possibility, I want to know. (And if it is true, I will kick myself from here to China for not going to the cops myself.
3. I am not the one who views child porn. He is. I made nothing up. I told his girlfriend because I am concerned about the safety of her child. If something bad happens to him -- even if it is because she's unbalanced or vindictive -- it is not my fault.
I did nothing wrong.
I think I did the right thing. I still do. It is not my job to protect him from the consequences of his actions. It never was.
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