3:09 a.m. - 2016-12-01
Devil's pact
I suck.

I broke up my marriage to A.

It happened because I got drunk.

But not really.

She cut me no slack because, this is going to sound stupid and egotistical, but I got so fucking sick of her telling me, "You are beautiful, you don't love me, you can have anyone you want ..."

I said, fine.

And cheated on her.

I am not your average soccer mom. I am 5'3-1/2, I am blue eyes, 95-105 pounds, good bones, blonde hair halfway down my back. I am 37. I look a lot younger. I never work out or tan, don't give a shit, but I have been paying the price for this my entire fucking ever-loving life.

All I care about is my kids and my family. I am like your average soccer mom except I am more opinionated and there is no power tool I can't use and I am a really good writer (like made my living that way since college) and a nurse and I can't have a male to my child's birthday party without being unforgettable. I hate birthday parties and all the fathers.

I modeled when I was younger even though I am too short but I never thought it was an important part of me.

As I have gotten older I just don't age like people do. Like, I see age signs everywhere because I am starting to get crow's feet and I don't like my skin, but I haven't gained an ounce after two kids -- it is not me, it is fucking genetics and the fact that I don't like food.

I am just so fucking sick of men, women and others treating me like an object. I am almost 40. It seem like I should have outgrown this shit but instead it gets worse as everyone else ages and I don't.

With my wife -- I tried women instead of men -- it was like, can we have a fight? About child-raising? Oh hell no, it always comes down to, "Go fuck someone else, you don't want me anyway."

Her insecurity but I could never win that battle by mowing the lawn and fixing the garage door and cooking dinner and ironing every night. You cannot win.

I never thought I was pretty, just too short to model, until I got it thrown in my face constantly for almost 20 years in two marriages and yes, maybe I look a certain way which is far, far from perfect but i am human and smart and a mother and I loved my life. She decided I wanted to fuck every man on earth. I said, fine.

I was stupid. I was like, well, if you really want to throw that at me, I can.

I did not but I knew I could leave and never be cold. I was so angry. I hate my face but I was just so angry and I figured I should use what she accused me of.

I avoided sex but I was curious how long and how easily I could live if that is what you think I am. I was just so angry.

I felt turned on (emotionally, not sexually). I turned back.

So I met a lot of great guys. I am a journalist and I had a lot of fun just talking to people. I met a lot of lonely, decent, respectable men. I was told I could bang a man for $1,000 a pop but that is not what I was interested in. Just ... people's stories. I heard a lot. I slept on couches.

I was so fucking angry.

It was like some valve blew.

My kids were at their dad's, so they were fine. But I was so fucking sick of this story.

Wife accused me of assaulting her, spent three months in jail. That was a blast also. I took notes.

Divorce obviously. I am devastated because it was really just a fight (verbal) we had where she called me names. My kids are the victims although Dad (my ex) has been awesome.

I just want to be loved.

Seen.

Someone in my life will someday not assume I am a bad person because of my genes.

And yes, I know on top of genes I have a real fuck-you attitude which is what politicians and writers and journalists have, and I am not going to go into the journalist shit. I just wish sometimes I was an ugly journalist. Then I could be a journalist in public and a mom at home.

I am fucking 37 and no one in my private life, other than my family, ever treats me as a person.

I spend all of my time trying to convince my partner than I am a normal human.

Then the first time we have a fight, it's, "Oh, you are beautiful, you win."

I was the ugliest fucking kid (you know how that works) and I always wanted to be beautiful.

Careful what you wish for, because now all I want is to be normal.

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