10:47 p.m. - 2015-11-10
I don't tell them that every day -- maybe once a week. Cashy asked me tonite, "What of I wasn't alive anymore?"
I said,"That would be very sad." I didn't know what to say. But the sense I got was that he wanted to know that he would be missed, not that he really conceives of death.
I am afraid that I fuck it all up. I am afraid that they think my happiness is contingent on their behavior, and conversely that if I die tomorrow they won't know how loved they are. I try to tell them till I know they hear me and not to the point of drowning saturation.
I am probably not a good person to be a mom. I do volunteer for field trips, but I study too much and work too much and sleep to little. I lose baby weight too fast to qualify as human, or so I have been told. I hope someone tells them if I get run over by a truck that I was human and I loved them.