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10:57 a.m. - 2015-07-15
Got a physical today for the RN-BSN program ... I'm 5'3-3/4" and 94 lb with clothes. Of course I did the whole "I don't know how that happened" thing and promised to drink Ensure. I think I was 102 when I got my last physical two years ago so it is not like I've had a dramatic weight loss, and I did the whole surprised and appalled thing ... I do know I need to gain weight and I am worried about my health, but I have a huge mental problem with the idea of consuming more and taking up more space. I don't think I'm fat in any way but I think I have a need to punish myself by denying myself adequate nourishment. I really dislike the feeling of having food in my stomach. I like having an empty stomach and being able to feel my bones. And it is always comforting to me that sure, you can call me a horrible person and a bad mother, lazy, crazy and a bitch, but at least nobody can ever say I'm fat. Sad but true.

A little voice in my head says that only five more pounds would put me in the 80s and then I'd be truly tiny ... I know that is a really bad and spectacularly stupid idea for someone who wants to be a great mom, great nurse, learn 10 languages and do lots of humanitarian volunteer work, but my head is a very contradictory and twisted place.



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