7:17 p.m. - 2014-07-17
ed as usual
I was first diagnosed as anorexic when I was 15, and I became bulimic when I was 17, so I've been living my life around an eating disorder for 20 years. I've been able to function in a way that appears pretty normal for about the last 10 years, but my eating disorder continues to dominate my life.
Matt knew, and A knows, that I have it, but they don't know the extent of it. I've never been honest with anyone on earth about it, especially the bulimic part. It's become very easy to hide because I can throw up faster and more quietly than most people pee. Since I always do it immediately after eating, there's no telltale puke smell left behind, either.
I know it may sound dumb, but i don't talk about it partly because I am ashamed and partly because I don't want to quit: It's hard to let go of something that allows you to eat everything you want and stay thin...
I think I've finally gotten to the point, though, that I want to NOT have an eating disorder more than I want to have one. I hate having a secret that eats most of my life, and makes me only a part-time participant in the world. I hate the money wasted on food and dental bills. I hate the things I haven't achieved in life because I chose to devote my time and energy to an eating disorder.
Most of all, I hate that I send my kids outside instead of playing with them so I can binge, and then yell at them if they come back in and catch me eating.
The problem is, I'm scared of being emotionally a full participant in life and my relationships. Having a huge secret allows me to keep people at bay emotionally. It helps me avoid exposing myself too much. I always hate myself if I let anyone see me weak or hurt or vulnerable; having an eating disorder ensures that I never have a moment of weakness and let someone REALLY know me.
It keeps me from depending on people too much. I count on my eating disorder to be there for me, never leave me, and make me feel better when I need to feel better.
I am trying to be more honest and vulnerable with A, but it's really hard. Usually I regret it and feel embarassed, but at the same time I feel better because A usually helps me stop hating myself for things that I hate myself for. For example, I hated myself or a long time because I wasn't sure whether I wanted another baby because I wanted a bigger family or because I am trying to "fix" what I lost when Matt destroyed our family. When I finally told A, instead of getting upset, she said, "Does it have to be a bad thing, if it's both?" That hadn't occurred to me before.
Still ... I'd much rather be the person I try to appear to be than the person I am. Maybe I'm not all that bad of a person, but the people I love most and who have known me the best always end up despising me.
A's people have always done the same, which is why I find it amazing that she doesn't hold their sins against me, like I tend to hold other people's sins against everyone else in my life. She is much braver than I am. She's also maybe the kick in the pants I need.
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