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12:46 p.m. - 2014-05-25
How to get revenge on your ex
Yesterday I took the kids to the amusement park again ... love those season passes ... mowed the lawn, went out for dinner with A, went to WalMart to pick up fertilizer and look at paint colors. Got lost in WalMart and emerged three hours later, but that's another story.

If I didn't have A in my life, I know I wouldn't have gotten those season tickets to the amusement park. I wouldn't have had the forbearance to take them alone. Being a single mom was awful. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, you see families that are whole. It's a constant reminder that yours is shattered.

A had to work so she could't go yesterday, but it doesn't matter. I have her to go home to.

When we got home I thoroughly enjoyed turning them over to M for the night because I was wearing a short skirt, a pink haltertop and platform sandals that give me another two inches. I checked my makeup, put my hair in a high ponytail and went out to mow the lawn. Call it the ex-wife's revenge.

When we exchange the kids Matt always does his best to avoid looking at me. Although I can't know for sure, I am pretty sure it's because he's still quite attracted to me. That may sound presumptuous, but he's told me when he was cheating on me that I still turned him on more than any woman on the planet -- including the one he is now living with. Since he said quite a few nasty things about every aspect of my personality, my life and my existance, I think he was probably telling he truth about being hot for me.

When he decided to cheat on me and moved out, like many divorces, I wanted to find a way to make him pay every day for the rest of his life. I thought it was probably unrealistic, though.

I was wrong. Turns out there IS a way to make your ex pay for the rest of his life, at least if you share children and are forced to see each other a lot. The formula is:

1. While he develops a pot belly and a receding hairline, maintain the same weight you had when you were 20.

2. While enjoying the fact that his girlfriend dresses like Pippi Longstocking, wear short skirts, halter tops and heels.

3. While you know he's waking up next to something ugly, unmade-up lump possibly unrecognizable as human, never let him see you without your makeup and "good hair day" hair.

4. Don't let him get away without seeing you. If he tries to wait in the car for the kids, go out and tell him about some totally unimportant event in one of your childrens' lives.

5. Keep your house clean and tidy, the lawn mowed, gardens tended, and in general your shit together.

6. Be happy. Clearly, obviously happy. I hope he's miserable; probably he's not but just in case, it doesn't hurt to rub it in. They say happiness is the best revenge.



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