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5:29 a.m. - 2014-01-18
wedding day
It's 5 am and I'm sitting in the bathroom of the b&b where a and I are staying, too excited to sleep. In less than eight hours,i'll be married.

I'll have someone to raise my kids with. I'll have someone to build a happy family with. I'll have someone to belong to, permanently.

I'll have someone to write for. She brings out the best in me, you know. She is the reason I am still plugging away at my novel. She believes in me, and that makes me believe in me a little, too.

Maybe I really can have it all -- be a good mom, have a happy marriage, write a book, do humanitarian work -- it all seems possible as long as I have a to keep me sane and stay sane for.

I didn't think I'd ever be able to love anyone after M, but I wasn't counting on meeting someone as lonely as a was. I don't think she knew she was lonely but I did. That's what sucked me in. She was so tough, but I knew she was starving for love underneath.

Everyone a has ever loved has treated her like crap. This isn't something she has ever said or would say, because she is too tough and un-self pitying, but it is true, and as I have slowly pieced together her stories, her mom who told her constantly that she didnt want her, and all that -- all I could think was, "if you were mine, I would have loved you."

Well, I can't go back in time, but I can make her mine and love her now.

I can try to write a book for her, because maybe just maybe I could make some extra money and sh could quit her job and go to school full time.

A always tells me that I am all the things she thought she could never have -- smart, funny, talented, beautiful -- well, I want to give her everything she thought she could never have. I want to make her life a happily ever after story. I don't know anyone who deserves happiness more than she does.

So, in a couple of hours we'll be wife and wife. We are getting married in the living room of this b&b by a justice of the peace. The only guest is a's friend Bridget, who's bringing flowers and taking pictures. We were going to have my kids too but mar has had the flu all week and I think she is too sick to enjoy it, so .... It's just us, the JP and Bridget. A has a black pants suit and I have a flirty above-the-knee black fake leather dress -- hard to describe but it is not nearly as tacky as it sounds. It makes me feel like a model. So we'll be married. And then? I dunno, on with the rest of our lives, I guess.

I'll write my book and finish nursing school. Maybe someday you'll see my book in your local book store ... Probably not, but if you do it's because I married a, Andi am trying to give her all the things she thought she could never have.



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