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3:59 p.m. - 2014-01-13
A and I are getting married next Saturday, Jan 18.

We are eloping. It is just us, the JP, A's de facto "mom," B (who inserted herself and is going to take pictures and bring a cake and my kids) and, of course, my kids. I haven't told anyone we're getting married except for M. A has told most of her people.

But her people are easier; she doesn't have any family who are going to be hurt/pissed about us eloping. I do. Therefore I have avoided telling anyone. I suppose I will tell the important people this week.

We have two nights reserved at a B&B in Manchester. It's just going to be us, being us, being married.

I like that. When M and I got married we had over 100 people and although it was what I wanted at the time, it's not what I want now. Eloping was A's idea -- what she wanted -- and I was willing to do whatever she wanted, but I'm glad she chose this.

There was a social validation aspect to having all of our family and good friends at my first wedding and wearing my grandmother's weddding dress, as I promised her, and the ivory jewelry that I'd been saving since my grandfather illegally sent it to me from Africa when I was in second grade. I wanted to have the world see that I'd succeeded in finding a handsome, successful man who wanted ME. I was 20-something and insecure. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't care about showing off my success to the rest of the world. Obviously, since I'm marrying a woman and most of the world doesn't even see that as legitimate ....

I still have a hard time seeing myself as gay, actually. I don't have any gay friends and I still "look straight" -- if there is such a thing. Men hit on me; women do not. I don't have any gay friends. I don't have the bumper stickers or the rainbow bracelet. I don't plan on changing my style anytime soon.

I love her. She makes me feel sane. I think she's beautiful and I think she is even more so with no clothes on, which is the absolute opposite of how I feel about men. (I've always found men's bodies appalling; I never knew the urge to shut your eyes when your lover undresses was unusual.) A is the only person who has ever loved me back as hard as I love, who has ever wanted me as much as I want her. She is the only person I know who is as sensitive as I am, and who hides it as well. We laugh all the time and we almost never fight -- in fact we never actually fight, just disagree -- and she brings out the sanest, kindest best in me. I worry all the time that she is making the wrong decision, but not that I am.

Only six more days until we are bride/spouse and groom/spouse, as our marriage license says...



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