3:41 p.m. - 2013-10-10
looking right for parenting class
It's 3:30 p.m. and I have a Parenting in Divorce class at 6 with M. Naturally, I have spent the last hour trying on clothes and hairstyles. Settled on tight jeans, knee-high boots, hot-pink shirt and a tough-looking little jacket that hits right at the waist. It is a bit sexier than I usually dress, hopefully without being noticeably different. (The only part of that outfit that I don't wear regularly is the boots). I even bought some hairstyling products (which I haven't used in at least 10 years), cut a thin fringe of bangs, and put my hair up.
Do I think divorce class is a chance to win him back? No fucking way. Even if it was -- again, no fucking way.
I just want to feel good. I want to know he's having trouble keeping trouble keeping it in his pants for the full three hours. I want to feel like maybe he's regretting what he lost.
Matt gave me one small gift in the process of treating me like shit and breaking all of our wedding vows -- he told me that he was far, far more attracted to me than to any of the women he slept with. He didn't love me, he said, but he was still more attracted to me than anyone on earth -- and it was killing him.
I think this might still be true; at least I'd like to think it is. It's no small comfort to me that the one of his home-wrecking whores who eventually became his long-term whore is not nearly as pretty as I (am even though she tries a lot harder). I love that the reaction of people who have seen her with him is, "He left you for HER???" She has a big butt, her eyes are way too close together, her arms are flabby, her hair is this unnatural red color and she dresses like Pippi Longstocking ... I mean seriously, she dresses like she's trying to play "twins" with her 6-year-old daughter.
I get "are you a model?" "have you ever modeled?" and "you should be a model" from strangers sometimes(I am not and as to whether I have, let's not go there...) and although I'm 34 and not 18, I still weigh 100 lb and wear a size 0; I still have a waist and hips, and boobs that aren't something a padded bra can't fix.
Matt, on the other hand, has gained 50 pounds and grown himself a six-months-pregnant pot belly. He is Not Hot.
He's the one who let himself go, not me. And he wasn't all that hot to begin with.
Looks aren't everything, but I can't wear a T-shirt to that class that says, "You lost a woman who loved you more than anything on earth."
So I'll wear tight jeans and high-heeled boots and a little swing to my hips instead.
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