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3:37 a.m. - 2013-04-20
This morning A left her facebook page up when she left for work and I accidentally snooped and saw that she has already gotten an engagement ring -- that was a surprise. She was telling someone about it.

So I suppose it's not accidental snooping anymore once you lean closer to read, is it? I guess I crossed that line. I snooped.

Now I feel freaked out. I love A, and yes I want to marry her, oh yes -- at least days when I feel optimistic about myself and the human race. Other days, like right now, all I can think is how sure I was of Matt. I thought we were each other's missing piece. I never could have imagined that it would turn as ugly and rotten and brittle and depressing as our relationship is now.

I'm not afraid of her changing her mind about me; I've survived it once and I can survive it again. I worry that I'll let her down. I worry that I'll wake up one morning next to her and want to be anywhere else in the world but with her. I don't want her to feel the way I felt when M changed his mind.

I don't want her to find out courtesy of me that when you find someone who completes you, and you convince you to marry them, you get to keep them. Often you don't; it's like holding a child's hand at the edge of a busy street. You let go for a second, or look the other way, and when you look back your whole world and your future and everything you love and live for is gone forever.



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