8:32 a.m. - 2013-04-12
guilt
Still no news from nursing school. They are supposed to post (not mail) admissions in mid-April and I am sure they are going to wait until the last day of technically "mid-April" to do so. "It's very competitive in Connecticut," I told my mom on the phone when I was stupid enough to return her call yesterday.
"It's very competitive in Vermont, too," said my mom, who graduated from nursing school last year.
"I mean, I know my grades and my TEAS scores are basically as good as it gets, but ..."
"Still, it would be nice to know," my mom said.
Which made it sound, to me, like she thinks there's a chance I might not get in -- which pissed me off.
I really haven't seriously considered that possibility of not getting in. My worrying about that admission letter in is sort of like worrying that two plus two will stop equalling four. But my mom saying that made me think that maybe ... maybe she knows something I don't know. Maybe there's some sort of intangible that's taken into account besides your grades and your TEAS score. Thanks, ma, for the vote of confidence.
My feelings about my mom, now and in general, could best be described as "hostile." As a result, my primary feeling about myself when I think about my mom is, "I'm a lousy person." I can't give you any good reason for my hostility toward my mom -- yes, I know WHY I feel that way, but it doesn't mean she deserves it. She doesn't.
I don't like talking to her, thinking about her or being around her. She annoys and irritates me. I'd rather go to the dentist than interact with her. She is criticial and disapproving, and I suppose maybe I should feel hurt by that? But I don't; it's been a good 20 years since that woman has been able to hurt my feelings. I've had no use for either of my parents since I was, what, 12? Somewhere around there? And I still have no use for them. I feel very guilty about that. I'll probably feel terrible when they're both dead. But I don't know how to change; I don't know how to muster love and affection when I don't have any. I care about my mom and I want her to be happy; therefore I keep trying (to some extent) to be a good daughter when really I want nothing to do with her, Vermont, or anything that reminds me of my childhood. I would be fine with having no past, I think.
The one thing -- three things actually -- that I don't want to erase are my brothers. We only see each other a few times a year and we never really talk but I wish we were closer. My brothers are 5, 10 and 12-1/2 years younger than I am and they were the best thing that ever happened to me before I had my own kids. I walked them, burped them, changed their diapers, kissed their booboos, comforted their nightmares, went to their games, had them over to my apartment, volunteered in their classrooms and went home every Friday night to read to them until Matt and I moved to Connecticut (and then New Jersey, and then...) 10 years ago. Durign the time I was with Matt, working and moving and having my own kids, my brothers grew up, and I didn't keep up with them growing. Now I miss them a lot and I feel guilty.
I don't feel quite as guilty as I do with my mom, though, because I still love them and I know they still love me. I like seeing them. My mom, I dread seeing and can't wait to get away when I do.
I feel bad and guilty about everything today. My house is a mess, I'm not ready for my test, I am stressed out about cramming in work and studying this weekend, blah blah. And A and I are both waiting for her grandmother to die.
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