12:14 p.m. - 2012-11-22
a secret
I still miss Matt. I get really angry and sad sometimes that he threw away me and our family. I think, we could have been so happy right now. We could be together, a family, instead of fragmented and shuttling our kids between houses -- his, hers, mine, A's. Even if A and I got married (which we can, in Connecticut), she wouldn't ever be the parent of my kids, my kids will always be gone on weekends or some other time, and our family will always be split in two.
Yeah, I know a lot of families are like that, and they function fine. I know I could have it a lot worse in the ex-husband department. But I hate that I had children with him because I loved him and I wanted to give him the greatest gift in the world and share the most wonderful experience in the world with him, and now he's sharing OUR children and the life that was mine, with someone else.
I always thought that people got divorced because they didn't love or like each other and they didn't want to be married anymore -- BOTH people. I thought that people's marriages broke up after affairs because the spouse who had been cheated on couldn't or didn't want to forgive, and no longer liked or loved the other spouse.
I was wrong. I'm getting divorced because my husband doesn't love me anymore. It's not mutual. There was nothing unfixable in my marriage from my point of view, just from his. I didn't reject him for having affairs; I forgave him.
I still loved him. He didn't want to be forgiven.
And he didn't want my love.
And he didn't want me.
It's not supposed to work like this. The cheating spouse is supposed to want forgiveness. The cheating spouse is supposed to take it when it's offered.
At least, I thought that was the way it worked.
I still love him. When I admit that, it makes me really sad. I'm not moving on because I stopped loving him; I'm moving on because it is the only positive thing I can do.
I love A but I'm realizing (again) that one love doesn't replace another. It's not less, it's just different. And it's not different because she's female and M's a guy; it's different because she's not Matt. No one else on earth is Matt.
When I was married I was never completely happy being with a guy; it always made me sort of sad to see two women together -- in public, in the news, in a movie, etc. I missed the way I felt when my other half was a girl. But I wouldn't have traded what I had for that. I just felt sad sometimes.
Now when I see heterosexual couples and their kids together it makes me sad. It's not that I want to BE that woman, with a guy. I want to be with MY guy. That used to be my life, and I miss it.
I suppose I am never content.
I'm done with my pity party now. I just had to write this down because although I can talk to A about a lot of things, I am NOT going to tell her that I miss M and our life together, and I still love him. I cannot think of any way that would be beneficial to her or to us, so that puts it firmly in the "secrets one should keep from one's partner" category. I'm going to work on eradicating it from my mind, and then it won't be a secret I'm keeping anymore.
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