10:40 a.m. - 2012-10-13
"I don't like it when you leave," she says.
"Because when you leave, everything good in my life goes with you."
"That's silly," I say.
"You know, I've spent my entire life telling myself all the things I can't have. You're all the things I told myself I couldn't have."
"Not conpletely self-obsessed and psycho?"
"You're smart, you're pretty, you're nice..."
This morning my kids locked her out of her bedroom. That is, one of them turned the lock and shut the door -- there's a keyhole on the outside, and she doesn't have a key. The doorknob screws were on the inside, and all the bedroom windows were locked.
Now we know that I am not only smart, pretty and nice, but I'm pretty good at kicking in doors.
Not sure she still wants us to come live with her ...
A. is one of those people who is always there for other people and takes care of everyone else, but has come to expect that she won't get much back. She is very self-sufficient and self-contained and self-controlled. She is tough. She keeps her shit together, and sometimes other people's shit too.
A's dad, who she adored, walked out on the family when she was 8, and her was an emotionally abusive, unpredictable bipolar nutcase who died in a horrific car crash when A was 18. She has pretty much been on her own since, with the exception of a grandmother who seems to have taught A's mother everything she knew about emotional abuse and bad parenting. A was determined not to be like either of her parents so instead she is a responsible, self-contained jerk magnet. We all become our parents or marry them, don't we?
I hope I am breaking her jerk addiction. I don't think I'm a jerk. I hope not.
I want to remember what she said so that when she doesn't talk as much as I do, I remember that it's because she doesn't talk much, has learned not to -- not because she doesn't think or feel.