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10:35 a.m. - 2012-09-15
life is damn good
Right now Cashy is upstairs wailing, "NOOO-ho-ho-ho-HO!! all bratty and frustrated, like when I take something away from him -- but he's in his room playing by himself. Hmm. Matchbox cars not playing nicely?

I got 100-something on my first biggish A&P test (depending on how much the extra-credit questions are worth, which hasn't been determined yet). So after three quizzes and a test my average is slightly over 100 in that class. Not that I expect that to last, but I'm enjoying it while it does.

Yesterday one of the women in my lecture leaned over and asked me, nodding at her neighbor, "Can we borrow your brain for this test?" I guess I had asked something nerdy, although I'm not sure what.

I got my kids stickers and beads (Mar) and scissors and cars (Cashy) after I got my test score, to thank them for their contribution to my success (letting me study, somewhat), and then after they were in bed A came over, which made yesterday a perfect day. I don't think I would change anything about my life right now. I was fairly happy before, but A. is so unexpected and so perfect that I am pretty sure things couldn't get much better. OK, not perfect -- nobody's perfect -- but as damn close as I've ever found and I don't see anything wrong with her at the moment. She makes me feel OK in my own skin and safe, and I don't have to fake anything or do anything I don't want to do or say anything I don't want to say. (OK, I watch movies with her and I don't particularly like movies and she does; but that is not the same as getting mauled and wishing it would end already dammit, which is how I have always felt every single time a guy has touched me from hand-holding to sex, and I have spent my entire life faking it and doing stuff I absolutely do not at all want to do in that area, daily and sometimes multiple times a day, and with a smile and enthusiasm ... THAT is what is blissfully and completely missing with A...).

She doesn't want much from me, other than that I be good to her -- which I think I can do. It seems to easy, really. The only slightly challenging thing is that she's a girl and so am I, and sometimes affronts people, and I generally like to avoid affronting people. There is part of me that is still a little leery about telling people I have a girlfriend, not a boyfriend, but I recognize that as cowardice and I am not a coward when I find something worth being brave for. OK, so I know a lot of people (and really care about some of them) who will basically think I'm sick and be terribly appalled, disappointed, revolted and certain of the loss of my precious soul.

Well, it sucks to be them (and I mean that very sincerely) but I really don't believe anyone is the mouthpiece of God, even people who say they are. So, if you want to be affronted ... I am terribly sorry for you. But. In the words of my fundamentalist Christian MIL (she was talking to her gay daughter and partner; I am talking to her): "YOU'RE WRONG... and Jesus loves you."

Ramble, ramble. I suppose this is the problem that you end up when you try to have truly diverse friends -- not just people of another color but people of other political and moral pursuasions ... eegads...



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