Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

7:53 p.m. - 2012-08-08
enough second-guessing
All right then. You know something? And this really pisses me off. I have a huge problem with happiness. My own that is. I find it, and then (in my head) I find ways to deny it, poke holes in it, tell myself it's not real, I don't deserve it, I'm imagining it, I suck.

I spend all fucking day telling myself what a fuckup I am.

I came home this morning from A's thinking how right she is, how right we are. And then the cynic in my head starts in with ...

"You're not really in love with her. You're just looking for stability. Her habits match yours, you like her pets, she likes your kids. You're just looking for some sort of domestic stability you don't actually want. You're using her. You're going to get yourself into something you don't want to be in that's gonna be very hard to get out of. You're not happy. You just think you're happy. You just think you could bring her happiness. But you can't. You're a bitch."

And then we move on to my kids.

And I obsess about all the ways I am fucking up and failing them.

And my friends.

And my family.

And my career.

And on and on.

There is nothing, in my book, that I do right.

And this is a huge bunch of bullshit. Not because I'm the perfect parent, or friend, or anything else -- I AM right about that -- but what the fuck, I AM SO LUCKY to have my two beautiful kids and everyone else in my life.

Why, oh why, am I wasting what could be productive, even beautiful energy, telling myself how wrong everything is?

I would be a so-much-better parent if I just woke up in the morning and thought, "God, I'm so lucky to have this day with my two beautiful kids!!"

Instead of, "God, I'm an awful mother, I fucked up yesterday and I'm sure I'll fuck up today and every day until they're gone and hating me."

Not that self-criticism doesn't have a place, but the extremes to which I carry it are totally ... counterproductive.

I've done it before, successfully, in some areas of my life, and I can do it again -- I need to start countering certain thought patterns with a big fat black "NOT GOING THERE!!" and a replacement thought.

For example, instead of, "I'm a rotten mother," let's try, "I am so lucky -- how do I show my kids right now how much I value them?"

This may be hokey and sappy, but I really don't give a fuck -- I'm over 30, so I have a license to live like I'm not immortal. (Love all the common sense approach to life that engenders.)

OK then.



previous - next


about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!