9:52 p.m. - 2012-07-31
discovery
Had a talk with Mar today. Told her A. isn't just my friend; she is my girlfriend. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah... I really like her too," Mar says.
So sweet. That's my little girl.
But then I freaked out internally. And simultaneous with that, I had an epiphany: This is how I always react when I do or say something that seems to step a relationship up an notch, or make it more serious. You know? For as long as I can remember, a first kiss, first night together, first introduction to family, first "I love you," etc. -- each milestone makes me want to run for the hills. I feel trapped and like I've made a very bad decision, bought something expensive that I thought matched my living room that doesn't match and looks hideous when I get it home ...
And of course people are not ugly throw pillows so a mistake is so much worse. What if I'm wrong? I'm trapped. I don't want to hurt someone by changing my mind. So now I'm stuck -- SHIT!!!
I don't think I ever felt that way with Matt. He was the only one. That's why I married him.
(Maybe the real reason I didn't freak out and question whether I should be with him was that I KNEW I shouldn't be with him -- he was my boss.)
Still, it is very comforting to me to realize that my freakouts don't mean anything about the person I'm with; I'm freaking out because ... that WHAT I DO.
I suppose that my two biggest worries with A are that 1) I'm not head-over-heels in love with her, and b) I am afraid I will eventually find her boring. Those are such unpleasant things to say/reveal, but that's me. I decided a while ago that if I reentered the dating market, I was going to look for someone willing to commit to me and happiness -- no more handsome (or gorgeous) flashy narcissists. So I guess I found what I was looking for. But is this how I should have looked?
A. is so sweet, and it makes me happy when I'm around her; she sort of brings out the best in me the way M probably brought out the worst. I will probably be a much happier and more successful person if I was with her than I ever would have been with Matt, because M. just by being M always made me feel small, incompetent and insignificant. A. makes me want to deal with things I procrastinate about, write fiction, aim for grad school, enjoy my kids. I don't know exactly why, but she just has this effect on me.
And ... I really like her. I can picture myself falling in love with her. I think what attracts me the most is that she thinks she's not special enough to be desirable -- has come to the conclusion after a lifetime of being mostly single -- and I want to show her, prove to her, that this is not so. She is such a beautiful person, and she deserves so much more than she's gotten from people in her life thus far. Hm. But do I really like her? Not pity? No, I really like her. I like her partly because of the sweetness that seems to attract jerks...
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