9:29 p.m. - 2012-07-16
alone
I feel like one of those atoms with not quite enough electrons -- oxygen, say -- that can't even exist on its own for more than a split seconds, that will even bond with itself in order to share electrons and feel ... complete.
(Yes, people really do pay me to write.)
(And I know chemistry makes an abysmal, tortured simile.)
(I don't get paid for what I write here, so I consider that a license to torture similes.)
When I deleted my profile from the internet dating site, because I met A and she liked me enough to want to delete hers, I was thinking, "OK, good, now that's settled."I
And I knew, quite consciously, that replacing Matt was something on my "things I need to do to fix my life" list, along with spending some serious money at the dentist, getting a job, getting 100 percent rid of my eating disorder and getting my car registered.
Because I felt, at the time, that I needed to be in a relationship in order to be whole. I liked her a lot, was attracted to her; our life goals were compatible; she even has a house with two empty bedrooms and a fenced-in back yard. I thought, we could be a family; my kids could have the back yard and swing set that they should have had. Our lives would be whole, as though Matt's presence and desertion had never even occurred.
But now ... I like a. more every day, for things that have nothing to do with her back yard. But I also suddenly feel like I DON'T need to be in a relationship to be whole.
Why? I guess I just suddenly realized that I'm desirable. That other people want me, think I'm cool, think I'm worthy and wantable. I guess I figured that no one would want me, and I wanted to be in a relationship so I could feel worthy and desirable again.
But I've just realized that if I am single, it's because I choose to be, not because no one would want me. Maybe I don't want to be a relationship. Maybe being single doesn't mean I am a failure at life.
I am writing this down because I don't want to lead A on when all I really want is to be validated, not to be in a relationship with her.
That said, I think I do. I really like that girl.
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