8:03 a.m. - 2012-07-01
lazy sunday
It is Sunday and I have nothing to do. How amazing is that? No homework. No overwhelming amount of housework. No kids -- Matt took them on a train ride. A is working. I have some e-mails I should respond to and I should call my mom.

I just realized that Wednesday is the fourth of July.

Vermont? Hmm. Probably should ...

A came over last night and stayed. Two good signs (or shocking, to me): I didn't want her to leave and I can sleep with her. After Kate, before Matt, I could never sleep with people. Sex, yes, if I was drunk enough. Sleep next to someone, no, no matter how drunk I was. It's like trying to sleep inside of one of those little CAT scan/MRI tubes. You can lie very still and control your panic and not think about the fact that you can't sit up or get out, but you don't sleep when you are buried alive inside a concrete tube. Hairy male embrace I find at least as panicky and appalling and stifling and I would always wait for them to breathe regularly and extract myself and run. Walk home, or sleep on the living room couch, or not sleep, or anything but stay THERE one more second.

"You can't keep DOING this," I remember one frustrated boyfriend telling me.

What? I said, and he said THIS -- this weirdness, this running away like you hate me, it's psycho you know.

I thought, "You're right, I can't keep doing this," and I meant another night with him; it was the "having an asthma attack can't get oxygen can't breathe" kind of can't.

And he'd be history, and soon another victim would come along. I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do. There didn't seem to be another option besides being perpetually 12 and I'm too proud to be perpetually 12, or even admit I'm not perfectly happy doing what I'm supposed to be doing at 19 or 23 or I suppose much older than that.

I am not going to say I am in love with A or think I love her because that would be BS; I barely know her. I am cynical about early romance when you think the other person is perfect because I've been there, done that, and it didn't end in lifelong happiness. To say the least.

I also figure that after 20 years of playing straight and being utterly revolted by it probably any woman would seem like a slice of paradise to me. Maybe it's not HER ... but I think it is her. She is sweet and responsible and and mature and practical and unself-pitying. I like that. I am also very attracted to her in other ways.

On the eyebrow-raising side, she spends a more-than-negligible amount of time on "the ferret forum" and "the chinchilla forum." This is not as weird as "the lifelike doll forum" but still an interest I don't share. I suppose if I had ferrets I might spend time on the ferret forum. I like ferrets; I love hers and I love most animals, but I don't really get chinchillas.

Oh well; I have kids, and she doesn't, and she is very sweet to mine. She has enough experience with kids that she is as natural with mine as if she did have her own. That is a definite plus.

I'm reading "Dalida" in French and feeling very lazy. Laundry calls. fuck the laundry.

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