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9:19 p.m. - 2012-06-04
I should be studying. I am studying. But I have less than my usual enthusiasm for studying because I suddenly realized that tomorrow after class I have NO KIDS (they're in Maine again). And shortly after realizing that, I got myself a DATE.

This is with Teri, the photographer from texas, who lives the farthest away from me. She's the one I've somehow ended up messaging the most, over not-so-silly and silly things, because she lives very close to where I grew up in Vermont and is tuned in to stuff that goes on up there. She lives about 45 minutes south of my mom, 90 minutes away from me...

Anyhow she has leapt ahead of the lawyer to become my most promising prospect. I think I am attracted to tough, strong women with some sort of emotional depth that isn't immediately accessible, if that makes any sense. I am NOT attracted to people who either talk about nothing but sports and work all the time with even their intimate partners, or people who will tell you all about their political passions and life experiences and commitment to healing crystals on the first date. The latter don't have much more emotional depth than the former, in my opinion. Plus they almost never have a sense of humor because they take themselves, their passions and feelings WAY too seriously.

Teri has had enough life experiences to have some serious depth but the ones she talks about she talks about very matter-of-factly. I like that; she doesn't know me so why would she tell me any more? I like that she hasn't had a white- bread life but doesn't go blabbing about her white-bread life to strangers.

She reminds me of someone who was probably my first crush on a known (in-your-face) lesbian, back when I was 16-17-18 and she was an instructor at my college. She was probably about 40 and in a committed relationship with a partner (still is, same partner, they have 10-year-old twins now); anyway, she was my mentor in writing and eventually somewhat in life. After I wasn't her student anymore I used to housesit for her and S, and spend time with them on my breaks from school, etc. She never quizzed me about my orientation at all, which at the time was overtly 100 percent heterosexual except for some ingredients in my short stories. I suppose she must have suspected, but had enough respect for the figuring-it-out process to leave me to mine.

I could never figure out why I was so fascinated by her and cared so much what she thought of me, but I suppose I know now.

She always signed her e-mails "T" which Teri does to. Funny, after all those years, that capital "T" again out of nowhere...

So I admit, after I began to be intrigue by Teri's messages (more like letters on this site-- not IMs) I went back and checked out her stats and pictures again. She is taller than I am, 5'7", which is a plus (don't know why) and both curvy and clearly very capable of swinging a hammer, since she remodels and flips houses in her spare time. I like that too. Oh, once upon a time I like that Matt didn't know what end of the hammer to swing and I wore the pants in the home-repair department, but maybe part of me would like to be back in the traditionally feminine "I fix stuff if my husband's not around" role? I used to always get my boyfriends to change my lightbulbs, back in the day when I had boyfriends who COULD change lightbulbs...

I definitely like a partner who can pick me up and throw me around, too.

Now I get to get all insecure about what I have to offer. I'm young, skinny, long blonde hair, and judging by the ratio of men to women who hit on me (100 percent to 0 percent), I look pretty damn straight. Worse yet, I'm married and don't have a job. Granted, I have ALWAYS had a job, since I was 19 until I started staying home with the kids, and hopefully I will again as soon as I finish my CNA course, but I think people who don't have jobs are deadbeats, so why shouldn't she?

We'll see. Maybe there will be no chemistry, or only one-way chemistry, so I think I'm preparing myself OK for that possibility.

I am having a very hard time concentrating on biology, though. I didn't do so hot on my exam today and I think it is her fault.

Tomorrow is a going to be a very long day at school.

I really shouldn't even be meeting her for dinner. But it occurred to me that if I didn't I probably wouldn't spend that time studying anyway, so I might as well work on what's actually on my mind, which is getting to know her a little better.



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