6:39 p.m. - 2012-05-20
lonely
I'm feeling sad, undesirable and lonely.
I had my first date with a woman today, and I have the feeling I didn't exactly bat a home run with her, although she is nice enough and we agreed to meet again ... she was very pretty and I guess that saps my confidence no matter what else went right. As we all know, my confidence comes from being a size zero Barbie wannabe, pathetic as that is.
Men are so much easier. I know how to be attractive to men. I don't know how to be attractive to women.
I unintentionally offended J by e-mail, and I wrote back and apologized but she probably won't even read the e-mail till tomorrow morning because she goes to bed early.
And of course she brings up all these old, familiar constant-companion feelings of feeling worthless because of M's betrayal and desertion.
He is a cad, but he was also my best friend and my safe place and "home" -- he was the one person I could count on to always love me. It isn't much comfort to know that he's a jerk when I'm feeling very alone without him...
I know a lot of people have it a lot worse. I have two beautiful healthy kids; I'm healthy and able-bodied and have a gift for school that I did nothing to deserve; no one I know has ever died of thirst or hunger or been hacked to death with a machete.
I am just a little lonely, that's all.
C'est la vie.
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