8:00 p.m. - 2012-05-08
An update a couple of weeks ago, or a couple of days ago, would have been: I feel like a fool. We had been going to paint her living room together, but then she decided to put it off to the next weekend, and then she cancelled because supposedly her aunt was unexpectly in town, and then I didn't hear from her. We also had this weird e-mail exchange about my daughter's bedroom being in the attic, and I got the impression she disapproved, and I felt somewhat hurt and annoyed (my daughter LOVES her bedroom. LOVES it. Will barely leave it sometimes... so what the hell is wrong with that?)
I thought, maybe there isn't much connection there anyway.
But then last week she e-mailed me that she's trying to sort through Matt's lies and their relationship and I was the only person she knew she could get the truth from ... I thought, a) "Ha! Go to the estranged wife for "the truth," what, does she think I could be fucking objective?" and b) "I am not going to have much fun dealing with this e-mail."
I figured ignoring it wouldn't make it go away, so I'd deal with it/her, but told her I'd rather talk in person than by e-mail. I also told her in the e-mail, since I figured you never know if you don't try, that she should dump him and date me, and that I was serious when I told her I want to date girls ... the only problem is, the only hot women I know are either married to other hot women, straight, or dating my husband.
She wrote back and suggested a lesbian dating Web site.
Not subtle either.
I took her suggestion and got me a profile on the lesbian dating Web site. I was not crushed -- how much of a catch could she possibly be if she's scummy enough to be dating a married man knowing full-well he's married?
Plus she's a little flaky and weird, I decided...
But then she came over tonight, ostensibly to talk Matt the Scat, quite late at about 9 after I got back from dropping the kids off with Matt's parents. I expected her to stand me up, again, especially since she gets up really early for work. But she really didn't want to wait for next weekend, I got the feeling, and she showed up.
Showed up with a roll of toilet paper, to be exact. She had told me on the phone that she had just gone grocery shopping because a bunch of her relatives showed up suddenly and she didn't have any toilet paper, and spent pretty much her last time till Friday. I said I'd been just about to warn her that if she planned to use my bathroom while she was here, she'd better bring her own TP because I am out too.
Now, there's an ice-breaker for you.
She came in while I was mopping the living room floor and singing along with Johnny Cash, which was turned up too loud. I was also wearing a ponytail and sunglasses, because I have pinkeye (yet again).
She later told me the sunglasses made me look "badass and hot."
She stayed for a lot longer than either of us expected and we had this great talk, laughed a lot and definitely didn't cry at all, which is what I had been afraid of.
Really great talk...
She actually made me feel better than I have in a long time. You know how many people have told me Matt is a jerk and a scumbag and I could do so much better? But I've always felt like these people don't know him and how good he can be, and don't know what a lousy wife I was, so they really don't know what they're talking about. I have always believed that I didn't deserve him and that's why he left me -- I was angry at him for breaking his wedding vows and a million other promises he made me, but if he hadn't made those promises I would have felt he was completely justified in leaving.
J thinks he is a first-class turd and I did not deserve it, and that she would never have gotten involved with him had he not told her that he was basically a free man (and that I was a nasty person and married to him in name only) ... and that now she feels horribly guilty. We both agree that he's a lying piece of shit, and a narcissist who is too busy doing whatever he wants to be a good partner to either of us. I guess what is holding her back from ending it with him is that she is afraid there's no one else out here -- the only other men who are interested are her 60-year-old boss and stoners, and the women she's met through the dating site are just plain weird ...
... like the one with a whole bunch of chinchillas and a house that smelled so bad she had to hold her breath...
I told her I registered on the site and I had exchanged e-mails with a woman who was attractive and a grad student and mom and seems at least halfway intelligent and normal, so there's hope ...
She said, "but you're gorgeous and hot!" and I said, "But you are too!"
And then we threw ourselves on each other and had passionate lesbian sex on top of my coffee table...
But. I'm not sure that her suggesting the dating site was 100 percent brush-off. Maybe she was testing me to see if I was serious. After all, it started as a joke -- that we should both kick my husband in the nuts and date each other...
I had been thinking that in her eyes, I probably don't hold a candle to Mr. Brilliant Successful Gregarious Powerful Man, my darling Matt. I'm just an undesirable, unemployed nobody, basically the nanny to Mr Big's kids.
But tonight she she was saying that I am "hot and badass" and that he has a gut that makes him look seven months pregnant.
There are quite a lot of things she dislikes about him, and am newly hopeful that she will finally dump him. NOT THAT I WANT HIM BACK. I just want to see him dumped and alone. And he is an ass; he deserves it; J and I are both nice people who deserve to be loved back in a relationship and he isn't the kind of person who makes anyone feel loved and happy for very long.
(He is so good it it in brief spurts, though. He is the most talented salesman I know; he sold me on him and J too... )
I had thought this was going to be a miserable conversation because she had written that the fact that he is still married is a really big problem for her ... she wanted to talk about what he's been telling her (ie i'll try to take the kids away from me if he files for divorce) vs. whatever I think the truth is.
I figured she was basically going to ask for my blessing to marry my husband, ie get him to divorce me so she could have a future with him.
I was not going to give her that blessing!
But she burst out laughing at that idea -- she said she doesn't want to get married again, ever! She just feels so scummy dating a married man, especially now that she knows me ...
She also said she's pretty much had it with him, she definitely doesn't want to marry him, she wants to have more kids maybe but definitely not with him... but she "cares for him" and she hasn't had much luck meeting men or women since her divorce...
Of course, in my opinion, those prospects have improved dramatically in the last few months. I don't have pet chinchillas, my house doesn't smell, I don't have a gut, and I don't constantly interrupt her to take cell phone calls when she's talking to me, I'm not a stoner and I'm not over 60, so...
We talked about parenting, her daughter's tantrums, Cashy pooping on my counter ... lonliness and trying to figure out if the person you thought you loved ever existed.
She stayed well after 10, and said she didn't want to leave but she had promised her sisters, who have taken over her house for the rest of the week, that she would be back at 10...
I made sure to stand a good distance away when she went out the door so there would be no goodbye hug. I am not a touchy-feely person unless I really, really like someone and although I think I like her a lot, she is still the woman who had something to do with breaking up my marriage (even if she didn't know it at the time.) Plus I smelled bad from 8 hours driving to drop off Matt at the airport and then the kids with the in-laws...
I'll see her again, so... maybe next time...