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8:14 p.m. - 2012-04-27
I think my life is a lot richer without Matt in it -- richer in people, richer in experiences.

Come to think of it, I think the best experiences I had while with him were things that I either did without him or dragged him into, like living in inner city Trenton and becoming friends with my Bangladeshi neighbors in New Jersey.

Matt is a very boring person.

I used to think he was focused and driven, that working 90 hours a week and having no hobbies was a good thing. I used to think I was inferior because I am always taking pointless sidetrips, wasting time getting to know people and learning things and experiencing things that aren't going to help my career, when I could be "getting ahead..."

I can't beieve I used to think that. What a jerky thing to think!!

I like being over 30 because i think I finally know what I want and value and I am sure of myself. My life is still a mess, but at least I have some idea of how to clean it up and some desire to do so, which is more than I had 10 years ago.

I am very excited about this CNA thing because it is another adventure, another chance to tackle one of my few remaining fears -- yep, I am afraid of few things in life but I AM still afraid of adult diapers. And I am not kidding about that; not only am I afraid of adult diapers (who isn't?) but I am actually taking this class in part to conquer my fear of adult diapers. I don't like being afraid of things, and I am afraid of old people, of getting old, of my parents and older friends getting old. I want to knock that fear down and know for sure that people are people until they die and are beautiful even when their minds and bodies don't work anymore. I want to people who need it the most, the same reason I want to work for Doctors Without Borders someday.

I told Matt and my mom that I want to do it because I want to be able to work nights and start working in healthcare, but those two factors aren't the whole story. Matt, for one, would never comprehend the "I want to help people" motivation. He would say that there are plenty of ways to help people that don't involve changing adult diapers; why would anyone choose to do that? I would respond that there are ways to help people that don't involve getting your picture in the paper and your name trumped up by the chamber of commerce; helping people and not getting recognized can be fulfiling too. I don't think it could be fulfilling to him though. I don't think he things deeds and actions are real until you read about them in the paper. (Cheating on your wife doesn't count either, unless, like John Edwards, you're dumb enough to get called out about it in public...)



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