7:26 p.m. - 2012-04-26
i got weighed
I finally got my physical for the CNA class today. Of course I have been putting it off forever because I don't want to get weighed. I haven't weighed myself in a couple of years; it's one of those few areas in life where avoidance is actually advantageous. There is no weight that makes me happy; any number on the scale is going to spur in me the insane urge to stop eating today and never eat again, even more so if the weight is something I know to actually be "healthy." So I figure that the healthiest thing for me to do is not weigh myself and I have avoided and delayed doing this every time the urge hits for a couple of years...
Last night I thought obsessively about buying diuretics and taking tons, even though I haven't touched those things since they almost killed me in college ... my great fear about doctors' offices is having some "appalling" weight written down on my permanent record forever ... so I have this urge to lower my weight as much as possible even if it's a) unhealthy and b) inaccurate... but I didn't. Because I wanted to pass the physical more than I cared about what number got written down on my permanent record, and I know it's to my advantage to go in there weighing as much as I can (probably should have drunk a couple of gallons of water, actually...)
Well, I resisted all self-destructive impulses but didn't eat lunch, and I weighed 102, which was a few pounds less than I expected but didn't earn me any attention in that area from the doctor or the nurse. That puts my BMI at about 17.3 or something. Too thin, but not concentration-camp thin, not sick-looking thin (in my opinion). So I passed the physical. And I am not freaking out about the weight. Go me.
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