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10:29 a.m. - 2012-04-17
ok I think I'm really done here
I think I've finally gotten to the point that I finally want to beat the damned eating disorder for ME, and not for anyone else. I never thought I'd get to this point, because being thin was the only thing that gave me confidence and the only thing I liked about myself.

I don't know what's changed -- actually I do, it's that I'm finally going after what I really want in life, career-wise and lifestyle-wise -- that's something I want more than I want to be thin, so thin isn't the most important thing in my life anymore. Going to school and working on it boosts my self-confidence more than being thin does, too.

I feel guilty saying that, because shouldn't my kids be enough to give me confidence, to make thin less important? Yes, and they do. I feel very guilty about being a mom with an eating disorder and I know I SHOULD beat it, they deserve it, blah blah -- "should" is not the same as "want to." Do I want to get over it to not feel guilty and screw them up? Yes. For myself? No ... never before right now.

I was having one of my umpteenth food fights with myself the other day and it hit me, "You don't deserve this." I guess if I can take a stand and tell Matt I don't deserve what he's dishing out, I can take a stand and stay I don't deserve what I'm dishing out either.

A lot of the eating disoreder has been about punishing myself. Don't deserve to eat, don't deserve to be nourished, don't deserve to take up space ... and of course every eating disordered behavior I engage in confirms that I'm a collossal fuck-up, and the cycle continues and continues.

But you know, I don't think I deserve it. Sometimes I feel that way, anyway. I don't think I am such a bad person.

Maybe this has something to do with Matt spelling out to me all the reasons I'm unworthy of him -- all the things the voices in my head have been telling me for the past 25 or so years. I could never argue with those voices because it seemed so obvious they were right, but when that same shitload of crap came out of Matt's mouth, I was devastated -- but then I got pissed.

I am NOT, and that weasly little fucker can go shit in his hat, as my mother says. I disagree with almost everything he's said is wrong with me, and ... I guess I disagree with that tyrannical voice too, since it's spouting the same crap.

So maybe I'll try to update honestly about the ED and progress. So far today, so good. I think I can do this. I just have to use the AA wisdom of "one meal at a time." Two down so far. Do I get a 24-hour sobriety chip tomorrow?



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