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10:21 a.m. - 2012-04-12
when it rains..
"Since you reappeared a couple months ago I live from letter to letter. I am sad when I havent much to say ... I have always felt a strong attraction to you from first meeting you while sitting on ice cold metal folding chair at -- town hall. And while the black miniskirt lured me in it was your voice that painted me inside ..."

That's Peter.

And Tom, the teenage love from the previous entry, emailed me too -- he's dating someone but it isn't serious; he wants to "reconnect"; he's coming back the US for a wedding soon that is practically in my back yard...

I am trying to remind myself of polly-esther's philosophy of living in the moment and not future, to stop asking myself what might happen when Peter and I get together face-to-face, stop worrying about where we are "going." We are friends -- I made that clear in another e-mail and he agrees -- but still I worry about what that means -- that our friendship is or will soon be an "emotional affair," and that I shouldn't be going down that road with him. He has a live-in girlfriend and I do NOT want to take him away from her -- his thoughts and emotions either -- so my conscience is really kicking me and saying that I am probably doing that already.

So right now I have decided to just enjoy his e-mails -- our emails -- and when we do get together (he lives several hours away) it will be a no-contact visit.

For the record, I don't want to have a relationship with him -- or any guy -- but I really like/love him -- I am not a touchy feely person (an understatement) but there is something about him that makes me want to reach out and touch him, and make him feel safe and loved and happy... maybe DESPITE the fact that he's a man?

I really want to see him, though. I have been looking forward to his e-mails more than anyone else's. More than Susan's and Brian's -- those are the two people I most liked getting e-mail from. Until recently...



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