4:18 p.m. - 2012-04-02
i hate him
I hate him.
I despise him.
He makes my skin crawl.
I am SICK at the idea that this man fathered my children.
I'm having a small meltdown right now over his simple question of whether 10 am tomorrow is a good time for me to go with him to register Mar for kindergarten, because that's good for him.
I cannot think of an answer to this because in my opinion he wants to go to her kindergarten registration simply because he wants to take pictures and write about her kindergarten registration on his facebook page, which is a self-promoting narcissistic pile of CRAP that portrays him as daddy of the year. It makes me SICK to my stomach that his small children as props in creating this absolutely false identity. I am sure the facebook page is partly so he looks good to women he wants to sleep with, but mostly it's to promote himself for work and for the small-time politics he's involved in ... he's been the president of the United Way board in the past, is on the board of the chamber of commerce, etc etc etc ...
Anyway the facebook page portrays him as a very active and involved single daddy -- you read it and you get the impression his kids live with him, which is a load of shit -- I DON'T read it, for my own sanity, but I have friends who monitor it.
I am afraid that if I go to this kindergarten registration with Matt, I will break his camera and scratch his eyes out.
If I were to say any of this to him it would start a big fight because he doesn't see himself this way at all -- he is his own number one fan. I pleaded sick and let him take her to the kindergarten open house without me -- it was easier than going and trying not to kill him, and it was easier than telling him I didn't want to go because I was afraid I would kill him.
God, I just despise him.
I love Diaryland!! You know why? Because in the course of writing this entry, I solved my own problem.
I'm going to go to the kindergarten screening. I'm not going to kill him.
I'm going to get myself a facebook page.
For a long time I didn't have a facebook page because I loved him and I thought it was my fault that he left me and I didn't want to know about his new life, which he posted all about on facebook (my friend Brian knew he had gotten an apartment and was planning to move out before I knew, because he read an entry about how marley loves her new room at daddy's hosue on Matt's facebook page. Brian told me, adn that's how I found out that Matt was moving out.)
That was a couple of years ago. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel that I deserved it and it was my fault. It is time that I got a facebook page and posted my reality on it -- ie, that the kids live with ME and he sees them an hour a day when he gets off work, and saturdays and sunday morning.
I don't have to be nasty and over-the-top to shine the light of reality on his self-serving facebook page ... all I have to do is write about my life... our lives ...
I understand why Clara Harris ran her husband over with an SUV.
I don't understand why she only did it twice.
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