5:48 p.m. - 2012-03-30
I was watching a Lifetime movie -- doesn't matter which one; they're all the same -- and thinking, You know, I need to figure out how to be romantic. Women love romance, right? Matt can be romantic, although J has given me the impression he is doesn't really bother with her, so if I want to deposit his sorry ass in EX-LAND, I need to figure out how to be romantic.
Not the in-your-face kind, right? But "little things" ... whatever the hell that means ...
This thought, in the middle of my kitchen, filled me with a suffocating wave of fear of rejection. God! I've never been scared of men like this ... fear they might be serial killers, yes, but fear of rejection, not really. Most of the time, I never really cared enough either way... I didn't want them to reject me and I didn't want them to kiss me either, so either way it was an unpleasant wash...
I heard my mother's voice -- and this does NOT happen often -- saying, "They're as scared of you as you are of them, M."
What was she talking about? Raccoons in the barn? Bears? Monsters under my bed? I think it had something to do with wild animals, not people.
I know J. is somewhat scared of me, probably more than I am of her -- but she has admitted it and I haven't. She is scared of everything social, I've gathered, and I'm scared of pretty much nothing but ... well, her.
I'm scared of her because I'm pretty sure my attraction to her has nothing to do with sticking it to my husband, not really. It's like, you know how you lock a bunch of sailors up on a boat for six months or whatever and as soon as they hit the shore, they go wild? Well, I've spent 10-plus years utterly deprived of straight-looking lesbians. All of a sudden you plunk one down in the middle of my life -- and how much more middle could you get, than messing around with my husband -- and she is the most beautiful, desirable straight-looking lesbian I have ever seen in my life. (At least in the last ten years, to be sure.) So maybe I have the teenage boy thing going -- I don't know; as a teenage girl my only burning desire was the get the fuck away from whatever slobbery lips and rough hands were groping me at the moment, damn did I hate that obligatory, disgusting business of dating ...
Now I suppose I have two great fears. One is finally getting up the guts to let J know I'm interested in her and getting rejected, and the other is actually getting to try out whatever it is that lesbians do for the first time in my life (well, the first time sober) and finding that it is just as gross to me as it always has been with as it always has been with men.
Or finding out that it's great and THEN getting rejected? That would suck too. Life offers so many opportunities to get kicked in the teeth, doesn't it?