1:50 a.m. - 2012-03-20
Am I really attracted to her or do I just really, really want to stick it to Matt? I have been pondering that ... the answer is, I am attracted to her. I've always been attracted to women but told myself it wasn't true because I didn't want it to be true.
I'm attracted to women in general and her in particular.
Dammit! Why did i just write that? Writing it makes it real, and that scares the crap out of me. I have no predjudice against gay people whatsoever, but I really don't want to become one and be constantly subjected to everyone else's predjudices.
As for sticking it to Matt -- well, of course I want to stick it to Matt, are you kidding? I love the idea of cosmic justice, and I certainly am not above giving cosmic justice a hand.
Basically, revenge may be what motivates me to do something I would never have the courage to do otherwise -- ask a girl out ... my anger at matt is it's a catalyst, a helping hand... fortifies me to do what I am scared of.
So I think I am going to do, sooner or later, is ask her, "If I asked you out, would you go on a date with me?" I figure asking that way would make rejection a little easier.
The big problem, of course, is that she has a boyfriend -- my husband -- and through who knows what twisted logic maybe she thinks she owes him fidelity. Ha!!
But at least she wouldn't be shocked and offended by the question like a 100 percent straight woman would ...
It is really going to suck if she rejects me and lives happily ever after with my spouse. But it would be oh-so-beautiul if she would dump him and be MY girl. I've been thinking about her to the point of driving myself crazy. She has freckles on her nose, practical, square-nailed hands, drives a standard, plays on playground equipment. She is shorter than I am but a little heavier, soft and feminine where I am just angles and bones. She has brown hair cut at her chin and very blue eyes. Very pretty. And cute.
And -- random instesting fact -- she's an identical twin. If i dated her, she would be the second identical twin I dated ...
Is it sunday yet? I hate waiting.